Tag Archive for The Dating Idiot

The Dating Idiot: (Kiss, Shake Hands, or Headbutt)

This week’s letter comes from Mark in Beech Grove:

Dear Dating Idiot: I’m never quite sure how to end a first date. Should I always try for the kiss or should I settle on a hug?

Dear Mark,
This is an excellent question and one that many of your fellow readers want to know. There are basically 4 ways you can end the date: kiss, hug, shake hands, head butt.

First will look at the kiss. This option should be used after a particularly good date. Make certain you’ve read her signals well and there is good chemistry. It doesn’t hurt to if she has made contact once or twice. Chances are she’s down with a kiss.

However, if the physical contact she has made with you has been in the form of an elbow to the head as you try to bear hug her after your 5th shot of tequila, you should probably just shake her hand. Any thing else you do is probably going to be recounted to an attorney at some later date. Best to just end it with a business like shake and pray she doesn’t tag the incriminating photos on Facebook.

The hug is not neccesarrily a bad thing. Many guys may think so, but it’s in fact a great indicator that their could be a second date. The hug says, “I’m not ready to exchange saliva with you, but you’re reasonably normal, don’t smell like gym class, and used a fork at dinner. I want to eat food and converse with you again in the near future.”

And finally, we come to the least used method of ending a date, yet it saves countless lives every year. Of course, I’m talking about the headbutt. The headbutt should be used when the ending of the date poses danger to your person. For example, you walk your date to the door and turn back to look at your car and hit the remote lock. When you turn around, she’s holding a full-size trident and beckoning you to enter. At this point you realize she is a member of a Poseidon worshiping cult* and she’s probably going to sacrifice you and bury you at sea. In order to escape, headbutt her! The surprise will leave her temporarily disarmed and you can safely make it to your car before she throws the trident. If you have to use this technique  more than once, you may want to consider trident damage insurance for your vehicle. Poseidon worshipers rarely identify themselves on Match.com, but they are out there. So, beware!

Carry on, Citizens!

*Poseidon Worshipers do exist. As frightening as that is, Brian Groce and I have photo proof!

The Dating Idiot (I Just Want To Be Friends)

This week’s Dating Idiot letter comes from Alan in Irvington:

Dear Dating Idiot,

My girlfriend dumped me over the weekend and she said she still wants to be friends. Does she really want to be friends or is she just trying to let me down easy?

Alan: When a girl says she want to be friends, what she really means is she that even though she just eviscerated your heart, she doesn’t want you to be mad at her to the point that you tell all your mutual friends what a mean person she really is. The thought of you telling her friends that she should be seeing a whole team of psychiatrists is a little off-putting for her and she would rather you think nicely of her. Besides, she probably thinks the “friend” thing will keep you marginally interested in the possibility that she may change your mind. And she will encourage that thinking by reinforcing that she wants to be friends. And, she really means it —inasmuch as you don’t call her, suggest you hang out, or IM her on Facebook. So, to sum up Alan, she really doesn’t want to be your friend. And with that, I need to end this blog post. But, we can still be friends…

Remember to send in your dating questions! If we use it in a post, we’ll send you a free t-shirt!

Carry on, Citizens!

The Dating Idiot (Couch Forts and Weddings)

We here at Godzilla’s Citizen Hideout (the Official Home of Carry On, Citizens!) are always looking for ways we can serve the greater good and help our fellow man (and our fellow woman). During today’s staff meeting, my pet moose suggested that I write a dating advice column. Now, I don’t know what’s more preposterous: that he suggested I write a dating column or that you’ve read COC all these years and didn’t know I had a talking moose.

Anyway, I started thinking about it and it occurred to me that over the past few decades magazines like Cosmo and Elle for women along with Maxim and GQ for men have been spewing out dating advice. An estimated 20 million people visit dating sites each month. Yet, the divorce rate is still higher than in the 80′s. Obviously, we Americans are woefully incompetent at picking mates. So, if you’re going to get advice that probably won’t work anyway, why not get it for free here instead of paying the cover price of the aforementioned magazines?

And with that we begin a new weekly feature: The Dating Idiot. Each week I will try to answer your dating questions in a way that may or may not work, but will be completely free, confidential, and hopefully will not lead to litigation. So here are this week’s questions:

Mark in Brownsburg writes:

Dear Dating Idiot,

I’ve been seeing “Mary” for about 6 weeks. Do you think it’s too soon to build a couch fort with her?


Couch forts are part of that special circle of awesome that includes playoff tickets, 20 cent wing night, and roller coasters. However, adulthood seems to take the couch fort joy out of most people. They have to wait until they have kids or nieces or nephews to build them. Of course, finding adults to build couch forts with you is awesome but you have to risk asking and having them look at you the way they do when you break out the pajamas with feet (not that I personally own any).

So, you have to be very sure you want to ask your significant other if she’s up for building a couch fort. Luckily, there’s a good way to tell how it’s going to go. Ask yourself, has she ever dressed up in a costume for me at any other time besides Halloween? If the answer is yes, then ask yourself what type of costume was it: cute and playful, sexy and sophisticated, or predominately leather? If it was cute and playful, she’ll probably be okay with building a couch fort. If it was sexy and sophisticated, she’s not going to be down with the fort. If it was mostly leather, there’s going to be a dungeon in that fort and you might want to pass!

Finally, if you’re girlfriend is cool enough to build a couch fort with you, put a rock on her finger! She’s a keeper!

Dave in Greenwood writes:

Dear Dating Idiot,

My girlfriend made me go to a lot of weddings this summer. How can I save money on presents? She’s got a huge family and at least 5 cousins are getting married next summer.


Don’t despair! We have you covered. Just buy a card and tape a piece of torn silver wrapping paper to it. Keep the paper covered when you pick up your girlfriend and she will think you got them a gift card. When you get to the church, toss it on the pile of gifts. The happy couple will think it got separated from the gift and send you a rather vague thank you note! Just buy 5 greeting cards and one sheet of silver wrapping paper and you’re good to go for the 2012 wedding season!

So, make sure to send in your dating questions! If we use it in a post, we’ll send you a free t-shirt!

Carry on, Citizens!