This week’s letter comes from Mark in Beech Grove:
Dear Dating Idiot: I’m never quite sure how to end a first date. Should I always try for the kiss or should I settle on a hug?
This is an excellent question and one that many of your fellow readers want to know. There are basically 4 ways you can end the date: kiss, hug, shake hands, head butt.
First will look at the kiss. This option should be used after a particularly good date. Make certain you’ve read her signals well and there is good chemistry. It doesn’t hurt to if she has made contact once or twice. Chances are she’s down with a kiss.
However, if the physical contact she has made with you has been in the form of an elbow to the head as you try to bear hug her after your 5th shot of tequila, you should probably just shake her hand. Any thing else you do is probably going to be recounted to an attorney at some later date. Best to just end it with a business like shake and pray she doesn’t tag the incriminating photos on Facebook.
The hug is not neccesarrily a bad thing. Many guys may think so, but it’s in fact a great indicator that their could be a second date. The hug says, “I’m not ready to exchange saliva with you, but you’re reasonably normal, don’t smell like gym class, and used a fork at dinner. I want to eat food and converse with you again in the near future.”
And finally, we come to the least used method of ending a date, yet it saves countless lives every year. Of course, I’m talking about the headbutt. The headbutt should be used when the ending of the date poses danger to your person. For example, you walk your date to the door and turn back to look at your car and hit the remote lock. When you turn around, she’s holding a full-size trident and beckoning you to enter. At this point you realize she is a member of a Poseidon worshiping cult* and she’s probably going to sacrifice you and bury you at sea. In order to escape, headbutt her! The surprise will leave her temporarily disarmed and you can safely make it to your car before she throws the trident. If you have to use this technique more than once, you may want to consider trident damage insurance for your vehicle. Poseidon worshipers rarely identify themselves on Match.com, but they are out there. So, beware!
Carry on, Citizens!
*Poseidon Worshipers do exist. As frightening as that is, Brian Groce and I have photo proof!